Things that prevent me from being a good blogger

I am terrible at updating

I have no clear and objective focus

I have a tenancy to ramble

My writing is only funny to me

My use of English is very dense

I enjoy puppies.

Deception

Happiness, its not something that's meant for me. I'm just destined to live my life alone and miserable. Smiles, laughter, it's all transient. Human beings, we aren't born for smiles. Were born crying and screaming, frowns and tears streaming from our faces. Its not a smile that sits on our face when we die, its a frown that is the last thing we take with us into the great beyond. Everything which bookends these two events essentially amounts to lies and gimmicks. What is love worth? Nothing. Its a feeling we scramble and scratch for, fight to earn for a lifetime, and when we get it, we find ourselves pushing it away, questioning it because we don't believe its real deep in our hearts. In the back of everyone's mind, we all know that were being Fooled by love. Inside were all ugly and worthless. Who can love such horrible, blackened souls? Where does love get off fucking with us like that? I'm committed to spending my life staying true to my birth and eventual death: live alone, miserable, because I don't want to indulge in the lie of love. I'm sick of chasing after a lie which won't last past the next moment. I renounce any human emotion or feeling which I might experience, because I don't want to entertain lies ever again.

Pomp and circumstance

I don't really understand my religion sometimes. My father walked in, asking me if I wanted to go to the temple last night. At midnight. I didn't know what to say, so I agreed, and we left.

We got there, and I was stunned to see hundreds of people streaming in and out. Apparently, some sort of big holiday was here. So we take off our shoes and go in.

My father handed me a five, and I put it in the charity box and prayed before the altar. My father told me to pray for what I wanted, to pray for my good fortunes and to have my wishes come true. I only prayed for one thing.

We got up, and went to sit and I guess take in the music and find some sort of spiritual fulfillment. I sat there, staring at this statue of Durga Maa,
Not really sure what to feel or say. I basically had an internal dialog with myself, or God, or I don't know. I basically say there, and continued my prayer. Which is unsual for me. I'm not a religious person at all. In fact, most aspect of religion sicken me. But last night, I sat there, and made my plea to God.

Some other ceremonies followed. I had some holy string or something tied around my wrist. I had a red mark placed on my forehead. I was blessed by a priest. I didn't really understand what was happening.

Finally, a priest handed me an apple. I asked my father what the apple signified. He told me that it was a blessing from God, that by eating it, I was taking the blessing from God and it would extend the prayers I had made in the temple. So when I got home, I polished off the apple, and ate it.

I don't know what happened last night. It was sort of surreal. A real blur.

Symbiote

Something in me is convinced that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I can't recall any relationship I've been able to maintain beyond a certain half life. Everything decays and rots away despite my most concerted efforts to infuse something of hope and love into them. Little by little, step by step, the relationships which I value and hold highest above all else fade away from vision, leaving me standing solitary in a field of my own insecurities and neurosis. Everything, everything, EVERYTHING that I've ever had in my hands has crumbled and fallen apart, no matter what. I can trace the threads back in time and describe and account of the sum of events which led to the same place I find myself in today. It's all cyclical, cicular, endless repetition, looping and iterating unto itself into infinity. It's an inevitable set of patterns, which is forever doomed to repeat itself because I am an eternally flawed and failed human being. Each time, I invest myself into a relationship with a single person, whom I hold above all others, in an idolized, almost godlike position. And for a while, my adulation is rewarded, appreciated, applauded, valued, appreciated, desired. And it is reciprocated and returned and removes and shadows which lurk in my mind and I am at peace, for a time. And then it happens. Like clockwork; the gears slip a bit, rust settles in, and the rot which began at the core begins to spread outwards and festering. It buds and builds and rises and falls and develops into a catastrophic tidal wave. Misunderstandings build to arguments which leads to shouting matches which end with heartache. But it never just ends with a few harsh tongue lashings and strewn feelings. It leads to the same tragic, terrible end, whence all of the same misery and heartache begins - my idol, my center, removes itself completely from my core, piercing directly and poignantly into the place hollowed in my soul for which the idol occupied. It is removed, taken away and leaves me stripped, naked, bare, bleeding with open wounds with no chance of recovery or stabilization. And I return to the same beginning state, the state of roaming catharsis, seeking the next victim to form my trademarked symbiotic relationship with, a new creature to latch upon to regain the sustenance of my previous life.

Mother dear

I miss my mother. I really do. It's taking me three weeks to realize it, but having the comfort of my mother being there when I wake up, when I come home, when I need a question answered or a bill covered, having my mom there was always the security blanket for me to fall back on. And now, I haven't had that for the last three weeks. It's scary, I never realized how dependent I was on her until today. It's kind of depressing. I've always prided myself on being self-sufficient, a loner, and it turns out, I'm nothing unless I have my mother standing behind me.

Touch

But I just end up getting a lot of time to think. And when you have time to think, and you think as deeply and crazily as I do, you tend to think about things which get you down.

Truth be told, I'm addicted to human contact. I love talking to people and meeting new people and just having people surround me. I need that feeling in my life. And I really need that feeling now.

So if you could provide it to me, it would be much appreciated.

Reshift

I miss talking to someone. I miss having that safety valve for, if I was just sitting around with nothing to do, I had that one person I could talk to for hours on end. I miss having the security blanket. I don't like being alone. I never have. I've always wanted people around me, people to confide in, people to share with. As antisocial as I can appear to be, I really value relationships and other human being more than anything in the world. What matters the most to me in this world is being able to have those who I am secure with, whom I can express my feelings and anxieties and hopes and dreams with. I have always believed that having a foil, a mirror to reflect upon myself is the most useful way to understand if I have grown or changed or anything. Hell is other people, and hell is loneliness. Human beings are social creatures by nature, creatures who crave and seek contact. But human beings are also consumed by inhibitions, fears, and notions of self-conscious. The perfect human being isn't really a human being at all, it's something quite opposite. It's a person who is born fortunate enough to not feel the same fears and woes that the rest of us do. My problem is that I was born with more doubt than the normal person. And that's why I'm sitting here alone, in my room, consumed with loneliness and fear, not sure of what to do or who to talk to. I have dozens of communication tools right here at my finger tips, and each one of them is useless because I don't know where to start, who to reach out, or how to get rid of this unerring feelings of emptiness.

Sundays

It was the furthest I've ever gone just to drink with friends, but it was really worth it. It was nice and intimate, and I think everybody had a really good time.

Now, if I could just remember what I said...

I'm spending my morning setting up digital cable in my house, and listening to the Zombies. How come no one knows they're probably the greatest band ever?

Severed, reserved

What if life could be lived out in reverse? What if, knowing all of the events of the following day, you could spend every day of your life going backwards, solving the problems of your life before they occur, preventing ills before they spread, knowing and understanding the precautions to be taken prior to onset, living each day to solve the mistakes made in the last day, only, those days were happening in reverse, making each day another chance to make right, to prevent heartache and remorse from ripping apart our lives.

Graveyards

Do you know what my problem is? I think too much. My mind is too active. I'm constantly daydreaming, fantasizing, making events occur behind my eyelids. Even as I'm watching events in real time, they occur on divergent paths to those which occur in my own mind, running opposite to events as I hope they should occur. Scenes play out in my mind like a constantly running and self editing film, moving to the will and flow of my hopes and dreams and desires. Catching a glimpse of her eyes, my mind leads me across time and space, to some sort of divergent universe where my fantasies play out as reality, where I am the central actor in a play where my life follows the events of my dreams. In my dreams, I get the girl. In my dreams, I am the winner, I make the winning shot, I get the glory, I achieve the apex of my existence.

The cruel joke of reality is that it never follows your dreams. Hope, desire, fantasy, they have no place in reality. Dreams die the second they escape into reality. What we expect, what we plan for, it never actually comes to pass. What's left are circumstances which suck away at our souls, leave us hollowed and empty and barren husks of humanity.

Insufficient

I never realized until recently what great friends I have. I didn't realize the support system and the people willing to talk to me at all crazy times of the day. I'm truly appreciative of all you guys, I really am. You guys have really been there for me, and I don't know how I can ever repay you guys.

I had a bad night of sleep last night

I don't know why, but all of my dreams were nightmares last night. I can't really remember any of them,but the bits and pieces I can remember make me feel awful. When I woke up this morning, I had the combined feeling that someone had punched me in the stomach and stuck a few blades into my heart.

Yeah, my nightmares were that vivid. I hope this isn't a portent of things to come.

I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now.

Lot's going on. There's some hope and excitement, some melancholy and fear, anger and loathing, disappointment and sorrow, longing and desire, and all sorts of other shit roaming through my head right now.

Mostly the good stuff, but I can never really escape the bad stuff either. But that's ok. The bad never disappears, and the good can only get better. The only thing I want is for the specific good things I want to happen to me. Like, getting this internship. And, I dunno, other stuff. We KNOW what the other stuff is, I'm just saying. I want it. And lately, if I've wanted something, I've gotten something. So you know what? I KNOW what I want. And I WILL get it. It's just that simple.

Nothing is going to stop me now.

Remember

Remember when I sang “Shoes” to you over the phone so you and your mom could hear it? Remember when we would wait breathlessly for days waiting to get each other’s letters in the mail? Remember when we stayed up until late at night talking to each other? Remember when we went to Disneyworld, and that bird pooped on me? Remember when you called me the night you took DXMs, and I stayed up all night worrying about you? Remember when I called you and walked fifty blocks to Penn Station? Remember when we held hands and walked around all day? Remember when you called and left me a voicemail telling me how you felt? Remember when you sent me a mix CD made especially for me? Remember when we would leave each other long comments about our days, our hopes, our dreams, our fears? Remember when you would call me late at night coming home, and how afraid you were of the spiders making webs around your front door? Remember when I would drunk dial you because you asked me to, and no matter how late at night it was or how drunk and stupid I was acting, you would always pick up? Remember when you would call me on your break, and it would be the first thing I would wake up to in the morning? Remember when I would talk to you while your were painting, and I would rant and rave about how amazing your work was? Remember how you would show me pictures of dresses you wanted from Free People, and how I promised I would buy them for you when you came up here? Remember how I sent you a t-shirt that was a size too small for you, but you ended up wearing it anyway? Remember how when we would drive in your car, and you would hold my hand and smoke with your other hand? Remember when I said I loved you, and you said you loved me too, and we both meant it? Remember when I held you in my arms, and how my heart burst into a million pieces because I had never been truly, really happy until that single moment in my life?

Is it growth or regression?

I never used to have a problem being alone. I've pretty much always been alone. I can't really think of a moment in my adult life where I haven't invariably ended up just not being with anybody. I'm used to it. Sure, I've always wanted to be with somebody, I have a relationship, to be wanted, all of that. And I've tried reaching out to people and getting close, but it never really worked out, and I pretty quickly went back to being the normal me. Everything was fine.

But this is different. Now, I'm alone. And it terrifies me to no end. All I'm doing now is sitting here worrying if I'll always be alone. Being alone scares me and worries me. I don't know how to handle it. I really would just like to be with someone. Anyone. I want that feeling back. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I want to have that warmth and security which once filled up my life.

Sitting in this Saturday class

After my parents had that party last night and dealing with drunken old Indian people. Seriously, people who I don't really know basically knew my GPA, my family history, hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they knew my social security number.

Ugh. Not to mention this class is unbearable. This teacher hardly teaches. Conversations fall off from security standards to Taylorism principles to Japanese quality standards to Japanese films to who the fuck knows.

Busy work

I find it pretty irritating that professor's assign basically books to read and expect us to have it done in about a week. Considering the amount of time undergraduates have (very little) and the amount of depth assigned readings bring to lectures or texts (little), I'll never understand why a professor expects me to have 200+ pages of a book read. If the reading is only glossed over in an exam, and hardly discussed in lecture, why should I read it? I'm loathe to read unless I know it will serve a purpose. I like to keep as enjoyable of an activity as I possibly can, and for the most part, reading for class is like getting your teeth pulled.

A little musical activity

I check out a lot of the music I listen to from podcasts. Some of the best are Dallas Does Indie and IndieFeed. Dallas Does Indie offers a batch of tunes on a biweekly basis, where IndieFeed has a variety of "feeds" (pop, alternative, electronica, hip-hop) released on a sporadic, ala carte basis. I tend to enjoy the DDI podcasts more, as the picks are usually fresh and quite different from what I am used to hearing. I would rate IndieFeed higher, but I find it difficult to find the songs they recommend, and the quality of their picks is hit or miss.

Watch the Night Sky

So are you going to watch for the total lunar eclipse on Wednesday night? I am. Check here to see when it all goes down. I look at the sky every night, but Wednesday I'll be looking very closely. I just hope the predicted showers and clouds clear up by then.

I don't want to miss something like this.

I'm in the market for new friends.

Guys, girls, whatever, let's just talk and shit. I'm going to start putting myself out here and I don't give a shit what sticks or not. What are my attractive traits? Well...

For guys: I love sports. Like, I bleed statistics and ESPN coverage. I listen to the same kind of music you do. I am a great wingman. I love alcohol.

For girls: I'm obvious handsome. I'm a good conversationalist, but I'm best at listening. I can talk to you about stuff you're interested in. I have a car.

See? I'm like, the perfect person to be friends with! Plus, I know cool places to go to, I'm a good dinner buddy, and most of all, I love you.

Troubled waters

I think I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I feel nervous. I feel things slipping away. I really feel something creeping up and knocking and starting the pound on the walls of head and heart. Something's there, and it's burgeoning and growing inside and it's scaring me. I'm hardly ever scared of anything. Most things in life, I face with confidence, even a certain arrogance, because I've been able to handle most things in my life. Sure, there's always apprehension in the things I face, but right now, I feel something that I've never really felt before. It's the indescribable feeling in my heart, like a hole or a drain or something. A black hole drifting inside of me, sucking and tearing asunder everything in its path. It's not depression. I've felt depression before. I still have hope, but it's like the hope of bobbing above the choppy waters in a hurricane. I hope that there will be a rescue boat, a beacon, a break in the storm, but with each wave that comes crashing down on me, the hope is dampened and the fear starts to set in. I suppose that's probably the best way to describe myself right now: I'm still hopeful, still clinging to whatever I have left, but it's pretty rapidly fading and I feel it slipping away with each moment.

I'm really, really scared, and I haven't been that way in a while. I need something, someone to bail me out here. I don't know if I'm really that connected with anyone any more, but if someone thinks they can help, or offer advice or anything, I would appreciate it I guess. My main point is that I need someone to help me face the burden. I think I can shoulder it, I just need someone to pat me on the back and let me know that it's alright. I don't know. Perhaps is a longing for that feeling that someone can shelter me when things go wrong? Who knows. I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs in a crowded room and no one can hear me. I'm sure I've said that before, but it's still true today.

I need to get a bit more Zen in my life

I think I'll maybe take up mediation. I need to stop sweating the small details in life.

Also, dating more would help. Or just making new friends.

First new post of the year

I always resolve to post in my blog more every few months. I always seem to fail. Well, this year things will be different. I hope. I think my main problem is I don't get enough feedback from whatever audience I may or may not have. Its hard to to write when you feel like you're writing to an empty audience. So here's a deal I think we should make with each other: I'll write more blogs, and you guys provide lots of feedback so it feels like someone is reading what I'm saying, ok?