Mother dear

I miss my mother. I really do. It's taking me three weeks to realize it, but having the comfort of my mother being there when I wake up, when I come home, when I need a question answered or a bill covered, having my mom there was always the security blanket for me to fall back on. And now, I haven't had that for the last three weeks. It's scary, I never realized how dependent I was on her until today. It's kind of depressing. I've always prided myself on being self-sufficient, a loner, and it turns out, I'm nothing unless I have my mother standing behind me.

Touch

But I just end up getting a lot of time to think. And when you have time to think, and you think as deeply and crazily as I do, you tend to think about things which get you down.

Truth be told, I'm addicted to human contact. I love talking to people and meeting new people and just having people surround me. I need that feeling in my life. And I really need that feeling now.

So if you could provide it to me, it would be much appreciated.

Reshift

I miss talking to someone. I miss having that safety valve for, if I was just sitting around with nothing to do, I had that one person I could talk to for hours on end. I miss having the security blanket. I don't like being alone. I never have. I've always wanted people around me, people to confide in, people to share with. As antisocial as I can appear to be, I really value relationships and other human being more than anything in the world. What matters the most to me in this world is being able to have those who I am secure with, whom I can express my feelings and anxieties and hopes and dreams with. I have always believed that having a foil, a mirror to reflect upon myself is the most useful way to understand if I have grown or changed or anything. Hell is other people, and hell is loneliness. Human beings are social creatures by nature, creatures who crave and seek contact. But human beings are also consumed by inhibitions, fears, and notions of self-conscious. The perfect human being isn't really a human being at all, it's something quite opposite. It's a person who is born fortunate enough to not feel the same fears and woes that the rest of us do. My problem is that I was born with more doubt than the normal person. And that's why I'm sitting here alone, in my room, consumed with loneliness and fear, not sure of what to do or who to talk to. I have dozens of communication tools right here at my finger tips, and each one of them is useless because I don't know where to start, who to reach out, or how to get rid of this unerring feelings of emptiness.

Sundays

It was the furthest I've ever gone just to drink with friends, but it was really worth it. It was nice and intimate, and I think everybody had a really good time.

Now, if I could just remember what I said...

I'm spending my morning setting up digital cable in my house, and listening to the Zombies. How come no one knows they're probably the greatest band ever?

Severed, reserved

What if life could be lived out in reverse? What if, knowing all of the events of the following day, you could spend every day of your life going backwards, solving the problems of your life before they occur, preventing ills before they spread, knowing and understanding the precautions to be taken prior to onset, living each day to solve the mistakes made in the last day, only, those days were happening in reverse, making each day another chance to make right, to prevent heartache and remorse from ripping apart our lives.

Graveyards

Do you know what my problem is? I think too much. My mind is too active. I'm constantly daydreaming, fantasizing, making events occur behind my eyelids. Even as I'm watching events in real time, they occur on divergent paths to those which occur in my own mind, running opposite to events as I hope they should occur. Scenes play out in my mind like a constantly running and self editing film, moving to the will and flow of my hopes and dreams and desires. Catching a glimpse of her eyes, my mind leads me across time and space, to some sort of divergent universe where my fantasies play out as reality, where I am the central actor in a play where my life follows the events of my dreams. In my dreams, I get the girl. In my dreams, I am the winner, I make the winning shot, I get the glory, I achieve the apex of my existence.

The cruel joke of reality is that it never follows your dreams. Hope, desire, fantasy, they have no place in reality. Dreams die the second they escape into reality. What we expect, what we plan for, it never actually comes to pass. What's left are circumstances which suck away at our souls, leave us hollowed and empty and barren husks of humanity.

Insufficient

I never realized until recently what great friends I have. I didn't realize the support system and the people willing to talk to me at all crazy times of the day. I'm truly appreciative of all you guys, I really am. You guys have really been there for me, and I don't know how I can ever repay you guys.

I had a bad night of sleep last night

I don't know why, but all of my dreams were nightmares last night. I can't really remember any of them,but the bits and pieces I can remember make me feel awful. When I woke up this morning, I had the combined feeling that someone had punched me in the stomach and stuck a few blades into my heart.

Yeah, my nightmares were that vivid. I hope this isn't a portent of things to come.

I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now.

Lot's going on. There's some hope and excitement, some melancholy and fear, anger and loathing, disappointment and sorrow, longing and desire, and all sorts of other shit roaming through my head right now.

Mostly the good stuff, but I can never really escape the bad stuff either. But that's ok. The bad never disappears, and the good can only get better. The only thing I want is for the specific good things I want to happen to me. Like, getting this internship. And, I dunno, other stuff. We KNOW what the other stuff is, I'm just saying. I want it. And lately, if I've wanted something, I've gotten something. So you know what? I KNOW what I want. And I WILL get it. It's just that simple.

Nothing is going to stop me now.

Remember

Remember when I sang “Shoes” to you over the phone so you and your mom could hear it? Remember when we would wait breathlessly for days waiting to get each other’s letters in the mail? Remember when we stayed up until late at night talking to each other? Remember when we went to Disneyworld, and that bird pooped on me? Remember when you called me the night you took DXMs, and I stayed up all night worrying about you? Remember when I called you and walked fifty blocks to Penn Station? Remember when we held hands and walked around all day? Remember when you called and left me a voicemail telling me how you felt? Remember when you sent me a mix CD made especially for me? Remember when we would leave each other long comments about our days, our hopes, our dreams, our fears? Remember when you would call me late at night coming home, and how afraid you were of the spiders making webs around your front door? Remember when I would drunk dial you because you asked me to, and no matter how late at night it was or how drunk and stupid I was acting, you would always pick up? Remember when you would call me on your break, and it would be the first thing I would wake up to in the morning? Remember when I would talk to you while your were painting, and I would rant and rave about how amazing your work was? Remember how you would show me pictures of dresses you wanted from Free People, and how I promised I would buy them for you when you came up here? Remember how I sent you a t-shirt that was a size too small for you, but you ended up wearing it anyway? Remember how when we would drive in your car, and you would hold my hand and smoke with your other hand? Remember when I said I loved you, and you said you loved me too, and we both meant it? Remember when I held you in my arms, and how my heart burst into a million pieces because I had never been truly, really happy until that single moment in my life?

Is it growth or regression?

I never used to have a problem being alone. I've pretty much always been alone. I can't really think of a moment in my adult life where I haven't invariably ended up just not being with anybody. I'm used to it. Sure, I've always wanted to be with somebody, I have a relationship, to be wanted, all of that. And I've tried reaching out to people and getting close, but it never really worked out, and I pretty quickly went back to being the normal me. Everything was fine.

But this is different. Now, I'm alone. And it terrifies me to no end. All I'm doing now is sitting here worrying if I'll always be alone. Being alone scares me and worries me. I don't know how to handle it. I really would just like to be with someone. Anyone. I want that feeling back. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I want to have that warmth and security which once filled up my life.

Sitting in this Saturday class

After my parents had that party last night and dealing with drunken old Indian people. Seriously, people who I don't really know basically knew my GPA, my family history, hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they knew my social security number.

Ugh. Not to mention this class is unbearable. This teacher hardly teaches. Conversations fall off from security standards to Taylorism principles to Japanese quality standards to Japanese films to who the fuck knows.