At the movies

Today I went to the movies, alone. That's not very unusual for me. It's very clear that I possess a very anti social, avoidant personality. While I outwardly am desperate for attention, innately, subconsciously, I want nothing to do with other people. I'd much rather sit by myself at a meal than try to stumble through awkward conversation with a person who is perhaps a step removed from being a total stranger to me. I'm sure you can tell I'm an absolute joy to sit down and talk to.

While standing on line, alone, at the movies, I saw some people I knew from high school. I caught them coming out of the corner of my eye, and I quickly turned my head down and away from them. I silently thanked that I hadn't shaved in several days, and took out my phone in a self absorbed attempt to look like I was in touch with people already in the movie theater. By some stupid chance, they got in line right behind me. I hear them whisper and giggle to each other, enjoying some private joke. I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed that I wasn't the butt of some high school anecdote. I shuffled up to the ticket window, purchased my ticket, and hauled ass right out of the lobby.

Walking into the theater, I scanned for a place to sit, with at least one empty seat on either side of where I wanted to sit. Such is the awkward part of going to the movies alone. You don't want to sit directly next to someone, as doing so invades upon the atmosphere of intimacy that movies create. In this world of text messaging in iPods, it has become a social faux pas to speak to a total stranger, to interject yourself into someone's little world. This has seeped into every facet of life to the point where it's impossible to meet new people.

As I tried to find a seat, my eyes latched upon a group of people. This was a group of people who graduated high school with me. I cursed myself under my breath. Of course these people would be here, home for Thanksgiving, bored to tears until they could catch flights back to whatever school they found themselves attending. I quickly found a seat on the end of a row, ducked my head down and tried to make myself as invisible as I possibly could.

I hated high school with every fiber of my being. Every moment I spent in that building was a smothering, suffocating experience. I can hardly recall a handful of pleasant moments I experienced within those four years. And yet, the entire world treats those years with such reverence that I can't help but feel an enormous amount of cognitive dissonance when remembering high school, and actually convincing myself that I in fact loved high school, and missed the same people who made my life miserable, and shaped the bitterness I still feel to this day.

Next time I want to see a movie, I'm going to another state.

Homewrecker

I seem to have developed a fatal flaw. I only find myself interested in women I know to be in the middle of relationships. Not just flings, but full on relationships. I'm sure if I ever met a married woman, I'd attempt to move the stars in an effort to peel her away from her man. I'm not sure why I've developed such a fruitless and destructive taste. Perhaps it has something to do with longing and jealousy. After all, if these two people can be engaged in such a meaningful, fulfilled relationship, then why can I have that? And like the jealous bully on the playground, I try to wedge myself in the middle of perfectly healthy, happy relationships and try to steal the girl away.

Well, perhaps nothing that dramatic. I'm far too timid to actually take things that far, I think. But I am pretty certain I have ruined some lives. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit, and creating illusions in my mind in an effort to quell the dissonance I feel within myself.

Regardless, I'm a bad person.

Speech patterns

The differences between people and regions are interesting to me. Living in New Jersey, there's such a diverse difference between accents and pronunciations it's stunning. Someone from North Jersey, close to Staten Island, say, sounds nothing like someone from South Jersey, from, say, Millville. It's really just amazing listening to a conversation between people and picking up on the subtle intonations people have as they speak.

But with the television and internet generation, I've been hearing less of these accent differentiations. As more people turn on MTV and CNN, more flat accents with less unique inflections are becoming the norm across the country. I feel it's kind of sad. In such a huge country as ours, it was interesting to hear the unique ways people would say things. Now, everyone is starting to sound and look the same.

I guess that's the price we pay for globalization.

Under developed

I'm not really sure how I can listen to all of these depressing songs about relationships and whining about life when I really haven't done much of either to qualify as an expert on them. Really, what have I done? I've been in relationships? Um, no, not really. Hell, I haven't even been a victim of a fuck and run. My experience with relationships lies within televised dramas and movie scripts. My knowledge of people and love and life has been taught to me through 15 and 32 inch screens 20 minutes at a time. I really don't know anything about life or love.

Which is pathetic, really. It's yet another area in which my life, my growth, is severely stunted. How can I possibly expect to exist in this world if I'm 5 years behind everybody else? I'm just learning how to flirt and be comfortable in my own skin, something most people learn by the time they're 15. I'm sitting here in awe of abilities most people don't give second thought to. It's tragically debilitating. I'm not sure how to handle it, or how to react to it. Hell, even putting pen to paper stuns me. I can barely comprehend the gibberish I'm putting forth at this moment.

Bad connection.

There are plenty of things I question on a regular basis. Why don't people keep in touch with me? Am I really that irritating, that grating on people's sensibilities that they will take such tremendous steps to avoid speaking to me? What about my intelligence? I'm sure I possess some. In fact, I know I am. It's been proven, been certified, been made clearly apparent. I'm not a moron. So I can at least keep up a conversation. But I'm not sure. I guess I put people off enough that I'm just not interesting enough to keep a conversation up with. Which should make me sad, except, I find enough people to keep myself occupied with on a moment to moment basis that I can deal with what my situation has become.