One of my hobbies (Rather, one of my obsessions) is perfectly labeling and organizing my MP3s, both by filename and ID3 tags. This is probably why I have a (relatively) small collection of MP3s at 3100 songs - I spend more time organizing my songs than I do actually listening to the songs! I should probably go through my MP3 library and delete all of the songs I don't like, but, frankly, that would take too much time. I would rather just spend time rating all of my songs and only playing the songs I have most highly rated.
This are the existential crises that follow me in life.
September 28, 2007
September 26, 2007
I swear, I'll try to do a better job of keeping this up
Honestly. Every time I start to gain some steam blogging, I sort of peter out and lose interest for various reasons. I'll be damned if I know why or how. Probably from lack of motivation, i.e., not having millions of adoring fans reading every blog post. Perhaps I need advertising. I need to do something to build up a reader base. I like think that this blog is more than just a glorified journal online that anyone can Google.
At least, I pray and hope that this is so. If not, I'll be embarrassed when someone Googles me in 30 years.
That leads to an interesting thought: Will everything we know persist on into the future? Think about it, what are the brands and names and things that have persisted from the past? The media conglomerates, sure, Disney, GE, Viacom, the pharmaceutical giants, Johnson & Johnson, Proctor & Gamble, Mattel, I guess, GM and Ford (but they're quickly dying), and what else? I really don't know. The Gap was huge in the 90's, but who really thinks, "Wow, the Gap!" anymore? Not many. Apple has been resurgent, historically, anyway, which is cool, but I can't think of many companies beyond what I listed. Which just goes to show, it's impossible to persist in today's world. So the giants of today, who knows how long they'll last?
Anyway, my rules for the day:
Rule #1: If you have a pot belly, and it's hanging out, you should consider getting larger shirt size. I saw a girl who was in fine shape, except for her stomach. A pot belly hanging out from underneath her wife beater. It was horrible.
Rule #2: Don't smoke if it only ends up making you look nerdier than you are. The primary motivation for people my age to smoke is because they look "cool". I saw someone smoking today, and all that I noticed while they were smoking is what a nerd this kid looked like.
At least, I pray and hope that this is so. If not, I'll be embarrassed when someone Googles me in 30 years.
That leads to an interesting thought: Will everything we know persist on into the future? Think about it, what are the brands and names and things that have persisted from the past? The media conglomerates, sure, Disney, GE, Viacom, the pharmaceutical giants, Johnson & Johnson, Proctor & Gamble, Mattel, I guess, GM and Ford (but they're quickly dying), and what else? I really don't know. The Gap was huge in the 90's, but who really thinks, "Wow, the Gap!" anymore? Not many. Apple has been resurgent, historically, anyway, which is cool, but I can't think of many companies beyond what I listed. Which just goes to show, it's impossible to persist in today's world. So the giants of today, who knows how long they'll last?
Anyway, my rules for the day:
Rule #1: If you have a pot belly, and it's hanging out, you should consider getting larger shirt size. I saw a girl who was in fine shape, except for her stomach. A pot belly hanging out from underneath her wife beater. It was horrible.
Rule #2: Don't smoke if it only ends up making you look nerdier than you are. The primary motivation for people my age to smoke is because they look "cool". I saw someone smoking today, and all that I noticed while they were smoking is what a nerd this kid looked like.
May 27, 2007
How the phone won the Cold War
So I got into a discussion with my mother as to why I thought socialism would never work. I basically made it up as I went along, but I think I actually put out some very good ideas that I'd like to save before I forget them. After all, in case anyone wants me to sue them for stealing a thesis from me later on in their lives, I think it's a good idea to have a hard copy to save for court.
Anyway, the reason I said socialism would never work is because Karl Marx expected men to practice it. This is a completely unreasonable expectation - men at the very cores are selfish, self interested creatures that will enhance my ability, and the ability of my offspring, to survive. Consequently, this immediately degrades the presence of all others besides the individual person. Of course, circumstances and situations could certainly demand cooperation between individuals, working together towards common goals of survival, gathering food, building shelter, etcetera and so forth, but in the face of a predator or disaster, all individuals break down and find regard for their own being, and in certain circumstances, their immediate family.
Notice a word I deliberately used in that paragraph: individual. Not just "one person" or "being". Individual. The word holds profound meaning in the argument I present: the individual is alone, separated, apart from others. No matter how empathic or sensitive and individual is, the still retain those very primordial blocks within their psyche that intentionally walls them off from the others of their species. That's why the only time in the entire course of the natural world has social ever worked, it's been in hive environments, restricted primarily to insects. Should some sort of evolutionary quirk arise that allows mankind to develop the characteristics of a hive mind, then certainly, socialism would work and flourish.
But the fact of the matter remains that humans are not hive creatures, but individuals, and as such, are selfish, greedy and self interested. What results when you put the average person in a socialist system is predictable almost to the letter. A few unsatisfied individuals will begin to covet power for themselves, and assert that they hold the knowledge of improvement to the systems of lifestyle which exist. These few will rise to power, creating a communist form of government. Two branches of political thought develop: Conservative and liberal. Conservatives, the current aristocracy, cling to the past and the power they currently posses, fighting vigorously to maintain the status quo. Liberals are the closet aristocrats, rebels who preach improvement and a desire to rip the power away from the current rulers with the promise of making life better. Of course, the classic liberal (rebel) belief is that the only way to a better life is through the way that they themselves see it, logically demanding that they (the liberals) allocate all of the power to themselves.
My next point as to why socialism will never work in our world is simple and clichéd - technology. At the time of Marx's initial thought and publications, the Industrial Revolution was occurring. Mankind's progress to that point has been rather measured and plodding: An invention here, a development there, but nothing so dramatic as to change the course of life too much over the last two centuries or so. Marx wrote his works in a vacuum, believing that even if socialism didn't take when he presented it initially, things would remain fairly constant enough in terms of lifestyle that socialism would eventually succeed and flourish. What occurred in the century and a half after Marx's work, however, completely invalidated the basic tenants of socialism.
Before I delve further into my argument of technology further, however, I need to back up and explain myself. Marx saw socialism most effective in restricted communities, with a few people assigned to a few roles that everyone contributed to equally in a communal fashion. Ideally, these communities are small, say, of less than a thousand people, and are spaced out enough that it becomes difficult for any sort of central power system to develop to every really coordinate these communities in an effective manner. This, after all, reflected what most life in the mid nineteenth century was, farming communities that were just devolving as the factory lifestyle was picking up and cities began booming. Marx still held the belief that sedentary life could be revived under socialism, and the allure of sprawling metropolitans would fade away.
This is the point at which technology invalidates Marx's theories. The technological boom that followed Karl Marx's writing was almost completely unanticipated, since there had never been a boom similar to it in the entire course of human history. In the time following the initial proposal of socialism, telephones, cars, planes, television, the Internet, cell phones, personal multimedia devices, and uncountable more developments were made in only the twentieth century. All of these devices served to accomplish one purpose: Making the world smaller. Where a hundred mile trip was once a chore that made transporting goods inconvenient, the car made for rapid transportation of goods and people. Where traveling to another country was once only possibly by sea, for possibly months at a time, planes made the entire ordeal less than a day long. Sending a telegram took weeks, preventing anything from being time sensitive and allowing for tasks to be done at a leisurely pace. With the telephone and Internet, work was expected to be done not only by a certain deadline, but at the instant someone was told about it.
The world was made smaller, which allowed for much easier central control by a group of select individuals who had consolidated the bulk of power. A few businessmen and politicians effectively run the entire world through the use of a few technological devices. People are controlled with only a few clicks of a mouse, controlling the information they receive, the amount of money in their banks accounts, and the time of day at which they sleep. Of course, the response to the assertion I make is that mediums like the Internet allow for free discourse and ideas to develop (Much like this essay I'm writing) and that because of this, central governments can never really hold the power I claim. This is foolishness. These are quirks allowed for by the system. By giving the illusion of rebellion, of a possibility of freedom, the central bodies create valves which relieves pressure that is built up by the demands of the rebellious few. Eventually, as the rebels age and gain "common sense", conservatism sets in, and the aged rebels then seek to maintain the status quo.
The key linchpin in order to make socialism ever work would lie in having the population of the human race explode at an exponential rate, but then immediately fly off into the four corners of the universe. Note, I didn't just say the world: I meant the entire universe. Light years upon light years would have to separate pockets of people in order to keep them from falling under the influence of one centralized power group. Until that day comes, and who knows if it ever will, socialism will never work.
Anyway, the reason I said socialism would never work is because Karl Marx expected men to practice it. This is a completely unreasonable expectation - men at the very cores are selfish, self interested creatures that will enhance my ability, and the ability of my offspring, to survive. Consequently, this immediately degrades the presence of all others besides the individual person. Of course, circumstances and situations could certainly demand cooperation between individuals, working together towards common goals of survival, gathering food, building shelter, etcetera and so forth, but in the face of a predator or disaster, all individuals break down and find regard for their own being, and in certain circumstances, their immediate family.
Notice a word I deliberately used in that paragraph: individual. Not just "one person" or "being". Individual. The word holds profound meaning in the argument I present: the individual is alone, separated, apart from others. No matter how empathic or sensitive and individual is, the still retain those very primordial blocks within their psyche that intentionally walls them off from the others of their species. That's why the only time in the entire course of the natural world has social ever worked, it's been in hive environments, restricted primarily to insects. Should some sort of evolutionary quirk arise that allows mankind to develop the characteristics of a hive mind, then certainly, socialism would work and flourish.
But the fact of the matter remains that humans are not hive creatures, but individuals, and as such, are selfish, greedy and self interested. What results when you put the average person in a socialist system is predictable almost to the letter. A few unsatisfied individuals will begin to covet power for themselves, and assert that they hold the knowledge of improvement to the systems of lifestyle which exist. These few will rise to power, creating a communist form of government. Two branches of political thought develop: Conservative and liberal. Conservatives, the current aristocracy, cling to the past and the power they currently posses, fighting vigorously to maintain the status quo. Liberals are the closet aristocrats, rebels who preach improvement and a desire to rip the power away from the current rulers with the promise of making life better. Of course, the classic liberal (rebel) belief is that the only way to a better life is through the way that they themselves see it, logically demanding that they (the liberals) allocate all of the power to themselves.
My next point as to why socialism will never work in our world is simple and clichéd - technology. At the time of Marx's initial thought and publications, the Industrial Revolution was occurring. Mankind's progress to that point has been rather measured and plodding: An invention here, a development there, but nothing so dramatic as to change the course of life too much over the last two centuries or so. Marx wrote his works in a vacuum, believing that even if socialism didn't take when he presented it initially, things would remain fairly constant enough in terms of lifestyle that socialism would eventually succeed and flourish. What occurred in the century and a half after Marx's work, however, completely invalidated the basic tenants of socialism.
Before I delve further into my argument of technology further, however, I need to back up and explain myself. Marx saw socialism most effective in restricted communities, with a few people assigned to a few roles that everyone contributed to equally in a communal fashion. Ideally, these communities are small, say, of less than a thousand people, and are spaced out enough that it becomes difficult for any sort of central power system to develop to every really coordinate these communities in an effective manner. This, after all, reflected what most life in the mid nineteenth century was, farming communities that were just devolving as the factory lifestyle was picking up and cities began booming. Marx still held the belief that sedentary life could be revived under socialism, and the allure of sprawling metropolitans would fade away.
This is the point at which technology invalidates Marx's theories. The technological boom that followed Karl Marx's writing was almost completely unanticipated, since there had never been a boom similar to it in the entire course of human history. In the time following the initial proposal of socialism, telephones, cars, planes, television, the Internet, cell phones, personal multimedia devices, and uncountable more developments were made in only the twentieth century. All of these devices served to accomplish one purpose: Making the world smaller. Where a hundred mile trip was once a chore that made transporting goods inconvenient, the car made for rapid transportation of goods and people. Where traveling to another country was once only possibly by sea, for possibly months at a time, planes made the entire ordeal less than a day long. Sending a telegram took weeks, preventing anything from being time sensitive and allowing for tasks to be done at a leisurely pace. With the telephone and Internet, work was expected to be done not only by a certain deadline, but at the instant someone was told about it.
The world was made smaller, which allowed for much easier central control by a group of select individuals who had consolidated the bulk of power. A few businessmen and politicians effectively run the entire world through the use of a few technological devices. People are controlled with only a few clicks of a mouse, controlling the information they receive, the amount of money in their banks accounts, and the time of day at which they sleep. Of course, the response to the assertion I make is that mediums like the Internet allow for free discourse and ideas to develop (Much like this essay I'm writing) and that because of this, central governments can never really hold the power I claim. This is foolishness. These are quirks allowed for by the system. By giving the illusion of rebellion, of a possibility of freedom, the central bodies create valves which relieves pressure that is built up by the demands of the rebellious few. Eventually, as the rebels age and gain "common sense", conservatism sets in, and the aged rebels then seek to maintain the status quo.
The key linchpin in order to make socialism ever work would lie in having the population of the human race explode at an exponential rate, but then immediately fly off into the four corners of the universe. Note, I didn't just say the world: I meant the entire universe. Light years upon light years would have to separate pockets of people in order to keep them from falling under the influence of one centralized power group. Until that day comes, and who knows if it ever will, socialism will never work.
May 13, 2007
Bars, notes and lyrics, in proper order
I've discovered I'm very picky when it comes to the music I listen to. First and foremost, if I dislike the sound of the lead singer's voice, I will not listen to the track. Plain and simple, I will skip over a song if the voice I hear had a strange twang or quirk to it. Notable examples are Joy Division, Interpol and the Hot Hot Heat. Whenever I hear these strange sounding voices, it makes me cringe and wonder why everybody thinks imitating Eddie Vedder's voice is a good idea. It's not. I suppose it's also a product of the music I've listed to previously, as well as the conditioning of American musical sensiblities. There simply isn't any sort of historical precedent for a deep, almost bass-like lead vocalist in modern rock. Most American rock requires a high pitched, almost lilting male voices driving the vocals of rock bands.
Another thing I despise is when the lead singer, even if they have a fine voice, begins to yelp. For some reason, over the last five years or so, several lead singers in bands decided it would be a really good idea to yelp in the middle of their songs. Most of the time, it catches me off guard. A seemingly good, normal track, and then all of a sudden, I hear a dog yelping, except, no, that's the lead singer, yelping some word. It's worse than hearing nails across a chalkboard. I can't listen to any of the early stuff by Bloc Party because the lead singer seems dead set on yelping every other word into the microphone, resulting in probably the first album made for dogs.
Finally, the thing that grates me the most is nonsensical musical twists, i.e., the lead guitarist in a band suddenly deciding that, to push the boundaries of musical vision, they will play the guitar with their tongue. At least, that's what some of this shit sounds like. I personally don't get it. I understand that you believe that the sound you're creating sounds revolutionary, novel and completely cool, but trust me, it's just shit. If the music isn't catchy and foot tapping, why make it? Boundaries are made to be broken, but not at the expense of being able to listen and enjoy the music. I don't mean this in term of selling records, I just mean this in terms of sparing the ear drums of the sorry fucks who have to listen to you try to channel your inner-Hendrix.
What gets most frustrating for me is when people begin recommending this stuff to me, thinking it's right up my alley. Everybody seems to think I should love the White Stripes. After all, they're an indie rock group, they have a nice little blues rock sound going, and they have a number of catchy little tunes. Well, I hate the White Stripes. I can't fucking stand them. Seeing Jack and Meg White play all by their lonesome, hearing the same repetitive lyrics for three minutes drives me fucking crazy. I honestly can't stand it. Even worse is Last.fm. I signed up on last.fm in an attempt to try and expand my musical horizons, feeding it my tastes in the hopes of finding a cool new bunch of bands to listen to. What do I get? Fucking Dave Matthews Bands, The White Stripes and The Smiths queued up to listen to. These are all bands I hate. It makes me question the quality of this shitty site. It also makes my life harder, as I have to try and find good music by scouring for it and spending all kinds of time digging around when that's what the job of last.fm is. Ugh. The future is not much easier than the past.
Another thing I despise is when the lead singer, even if they have a fine voice, begins to yelp. For some reason, over the last five years or so, several lead singers in bands decided it would be a really good idea to yelp in the middle of their songs. Most of the time, it catches me off guard. A seemingly good, normal track, and then all of a sudden, I hear a dog yelping, except, no, that's the lead singer, yelping some word. It's worse than hearing nails across a chalkboard. I can't listen to any of the early stuff by Bloc Party because the lead singer seems dead set on yelping every other word into the microphone, resulting in probably the first album made for dogs.
Finally, the thing that grates me the most is nonsensical musical twists, i.e., the lead guitarist in a band suddenly deciding that, to push the boundaries of musical vision, they will play the guitar with their tongue. At least, that's what some of this shit sounds like. I personally don't get it. I understand that you believe that the sound you're creating sounds revolutionary, novel and completely cool, but trust me, it's just shit. If the music isn't catchy and foot tapping, why make it? Boundaries are made to be broken, but not at the expense of being able to listen and enjoy the music. I don't mean this in term of selling records, I just mean this in terms of sparing the ear drums of the sorry fucks who have to listen to you try to channel your inner-Hendrix.
What gets most frustrating for me is when people begin recommending this stuff to me, thinking it's right up my alley. Everybody seems to think I should love the White Stripes. After all, they're an indie rock group, they have a nice little blues rock sound going, and they have a number of catchy little tunes. Well, I hate the White Stripes. I can't fucking stand them. Seeing Jack and Meg White play all by their lonesome, hearing the same repetitive lyrics for three minutes drives me fucking crazy. I honestly can't stand it. Even worse is Last.fm. I signed up on last.fm in an attempt to try and expand my musical horizons, feeding it my tastes in the hopes of finding a cool new bunch of bands to listen to. What do I get? Fucking Dave Matthews Bands, The White Stripes and The Smiths queued up to listen to. These are all bands I hate. It makes me question the quality of this shitty site. It also makes my life harder, as I have to try and find good music by scouring for it and spending all kinds of time digging around when that's what the job of last.fm is. Ugh. The future is not much easier than the past.
May 12, 2007
My view as Atlas
My life definitely isn't normal. The events of peoples lives, those moments which define people, that people look back upon with fondness and nostalgia, these moments are depressing and crushing for me. I never went to junior prom. I did go to senior prom, but it was a comedy of events unlike any the world has ever seen. First, I couldn't find a date, so I ended up taking my sister's friend who has been strung out on coke since she was 13. While driving my father's car to prom, I rear ended the car in front of me and rolled up to prom with the front bumper of the car I was driving hanging off. I don't actually remember prom itself. There was music and lights and dancing, but I only remember emotions of angers and shame and fear tinging my vision that followed everything I did.
Other life defining moments that have been ruined by my existence? My first kiss. My graduation. Freshman year of college. Getting my driver's license. Playing football. Everyday of my life is tinged with tragedy and melancholy and failure. I honestly question my existence in this world. Am I here for the sole purpose of making other people's lives better? Am I the focus of misery and unfortunate circumstances in this world? I never asked to bear this pain and suffering. I can't stand it.
I don't have pleasant memories. I wish my mind could be erased and filled with happier things. Fake memories are better than real memories of pain.
Other life defining moments that have been ruined by my existence? My first kiss. My graduation. Freshman year of college. Getting my driver's license. Playing football. Everyday of my life is tinged with tragedy and melancholy and failure. I honestly question my existence in this world. Am I here for the sole purpose of making other people's lives better? Am I the focus of misery and unfortunate circumstances in this world? I never asked to bear this pain and suffering. I can't stand it.
I don't have pleasant memories. I wish my mind could be erased and filled with happier things. Fake memories are better than real memories of pain.
May 5, 2007
The way we speak, and how we speak it
There are two parts to spoken or written conversation: content and process. Content is the actual thing you are speaking about, the sum of conversation and what people are convinced is the thing that actually matters in human interaction. Process is how we speak to one another, how we relate the things that come out of our mouths or flow from our finger tips. Some people have fantastic content they come up with in their minds, but lack the ability in process to keep people engaged and interested in what you are saying, because how you are saying it is treacherously boring. Still others have absolutely nothing relevant to say in their content, and yet they possess fantastic powers of process, twisting people and entertaining them and convincing those whom they speak to that they must be interesting, because they engage people so well.
My personal observation of myself is that I lack the abilities of both process and content. It appears that to me in a great deal of the time I speak to people, anyhow. The content I have in my end seems endlessly entertaining, engaging and worth a couple laughs. Yet when the words flow over my tongue, escape my lips and ring out into dead air, the palpable silence I hear is painful. It feels like needles poking holes in my heart. It's painful and intolerable and horribly depressing. I don't know why I can't get the content straight, after twenty one years of books and movies and television and reading and education. In all that time, I would have figured some worthwhile content would have been generated.
Yet, there's hope for me in the process, correct? Even if what I have to say is banal and dry, at least it sounds interesting, right? Wrong. My weakness in process is even worse than that of my content. When I speak, I unconsciously pitch my voice to this strange, "You should be laughing at what I am saying" sort of tone, setting up for a punchline that never arrives. I guess that's what my fatal flaw is: I'm setting up for a punchline every time I open my mouth, but there isn't a punchline that will ever come. I'm pretty certain this is why I can never be a stand up comedian, because my sense of timing is terrible. Delivery is key not only in stand up, but in conversation as well. If you can't deliver a hammering blow to your points, make things stick and drive them into the heart of you audience, you don't have a snowball's chance in hell. Because snowballs and cold, and hell is hot, so the snowball would melt. Alright? Glad we could clear that up.
My personal observation of myself is that I lack the abilities of both process and content. It appears that to me in a great deal of the time I speak to people, anyhow. The content I have in my end seems endlessly entertaining, engaging and worth a couple laughs. Yet when the words flow over my tongue, escape my lips and ring out into dead air, the palpable silence I hear is painful. It feels like needles poking holes in my heart. It's painful and intolerable and horribly depressing. I don't know why I can't get the content straight, after twenty one years of books and movies and television and reading and education. In all that time, I would have figured some worthwhile content would have been generated.
Yet, there's hope for me in the process, correct? Even if what I have to say is banal and dry, at least it sounds interesting, right? Wrong. My weakness in process is even worse than that of my content. When I speak, I unconsciously pitch my voice to this strange, "You should be laughing at what I am saying" sort of tone, setting up for a punchline that never arrives. I guess that's what my fatal flaw is: I'm setting up for a punchline every time I open my mouth, but there isn't a punchline that will ever come. I'm pretty certain this is why I can never be a stand up comedian, because my sense of timing is terrible. Delivery is key not only in stand up, but in conversation as well. If you can't deliver a hammering blow to your points, make things stick and drive them into the heart of you audience, you don't have a snowball's chance in hell. Because snowballs and cold, and hell is hot, so the snowball would melt. Alright? Glad we could clear that up.
April 15, 2007
Childhood addictions, and a muse needed.
It just hit me that, for the past ten years, I've been completely uninvested in two of the largest movements of popular culture in our era: Harry Potter and the Sopranos. I suppose this is the counterpoint to the Salon article I saw here. My point is this: While my peers and colleagues have been gluing themselves to their books, TV and movie screens, I've been doing...what, exactly? I couldn't really tell you. The past ten years of my life, I've dedicated to numerous things. I have a closeted adoration of anime, something that I keep secret from most people. After all, if you tell people you're really into tales about a boy wizard who travels between this world and a world where riding around broom sticks is an acceptable sport, nobody so much as bats an eye. But mention that you're really into teenagers piloting robots loosely based on human shapes that transform and people look at you like you're some kind of psychopath. Go figure.
Also, my taste in music has grown. I've evolved from immature punk in the likes of the Ramones (legendary, still) to AC/DC to britpop and all forms of power pop (lame). I've read two separate series of books that are similar, yet completely unrelated to Harry Potter. A child wizard is cool, but dragons and sandworms are weird? Double standards are tiresome and upsetting.
In a convenient topic change, I'm convinced my productivity and creativity would sky rocket if I had a muse. A charming, beautiful lass whose eyes and scent and gossamer hair would inspire sonnets in her name, songs to woo her, plays to make her mine.
That, and lots of hot, hot sex.
Also, my taste in music has grown. I've evolved from immature punk in the likes of the Ramones (legendary, still) to AC/DC to britpop and all forms of power pop (lame). I've read two separate series of books that are similar, yet completely unrelated to Harry Potter. A child wizard is cool, but dragons and sandworms are weird? Double standards are tiresome and upsetting.
In a convenient topic change, I'm convinced my productivity and creativity would sky rocket if I had a muse. A charming, beautiful lass whose eyes and scent and gossamer hair would inspire sonnets in her name, songs to woo her, plays to make her mine.
That, and lots of hot, hot sex.
March 25, 2007
Backlash
I think I've sunk into my deepest melancholy since last summer. It's not quite a depression yet, but it's certainly lingering on the outside walks of that. Nothing has lifted my spirits or really cheered my up lately. Being with my friends leaves me feeling lonelier than I did the night before. When I speak to people, I can see their eyes drifting, their focus and attention falling upon other things until the sound of my voice ends. I'm more aware than ever before about how boring and mindless I sound. I realize I'm terrible and making conversation, and even worse at functioning as a human being. I spent today hiding inside my house, gnawing on my sanity and contemplating if the world would really be so awful if I was to disappear. Morbid thoughts have started coming back into my mind. It's gotten more difficult lately to wake up in the morning. The air is warmer, but it's saturated with water moisture and feels like it's more difficult to breathe. My breath runs quick and more shallow. The sun shines brighter and longer. Spring has come, but as the flowers bloom, my hopes die.
March 6, 2007
A bit of inner reflection that accomplishes nothing
Self discovery is a complicated, shape shifting beast. Without it, we are little more than lost souls drifting from one day to the next without ever truly being aware of what lies within us, what enormous, spectacular truths we actively suppress each moment of each day. Yet, once we are faced with we realize truly how portentous it is, how much of our ugly natures we justifiably hold in check because the absence of truth isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes, there's nothing wrong with not knowing the truth. The lies we tell ourselves exist for a reason. It is not for lack of trying that the truth is buried away. We can't handle what reality actually has in store for us. And yet, the unexamined life is not worth living. What is there accomplish if we can't even conquer ourselves? How can mankind discover the ultimate secrets of the universe if we are unable to unearth the ultimate truths of human existence? Man is capable of so much, so much, but nothing has been accomplished because of fear. When fear is overcome, perhaps then the start to self discovery can truly begin.
February 13, 2007
Sorry
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.
See?
Life is like a box of bullshit, don't open it.
See?
Life is like a box of bullshit, don't open it.
February 4, 2007
The top doesn't match the bottom
I can't believe I have to be the one who says this, but Nelly Furtado's body proportions are simply absurd. Google up a picture of her. Look at the top half of her body, and cover up the bottom with your hand or something. She's flat chested, nice tummy, so on and so forth. Now, find another picture of her, this time, making sure her ass is showing or something. Cover up her top half, and focus on her from the waist down. Her ass is a bubble! This makes no logical sense. Her ass is bootylicious, but her top half is tight and fit?! This makes no sense to me at all.
That isn't to say I don't like it. I LOVE it. It makes for great music videos, let me say that.
Also, Nelly Furtado affirms to me that Timbaland is indeed a genius when it comes to current music. Every artist should collaborate with him. The results would be outstanding. Could you imagine what would have happened to Aaliyah if she hadn't died? Timbaland would have been blowing shit up 4 years ago, easily. Whatever, his work now is producing music that's enjoyable.
Also, Nelly Furtado's videos have made me pay attention to MTV again. The choreography isn't overpowering the song, but complimenting it and making the video better. Also, having Nelly Furtado gyrate with her ass as I mentioned previously certainly helps manners.
That isn't to say I don't like it. I LOVE it. It makes for great music videos, let me say that.
Also, Nelly Furtado affirms to me that Timbaland is indeed a genius when it comes to current music. Every artist should collaborate with him. The results would be outstanding. Could you imagine what would have happened to Aaliyah if she hadn't died? Timbaland would have been blowing shit up 4 years ago, easily. Whatever, his work now is producing music that's enjoyable.
Also, Nelly Furtado's videos have made me pay attention to MTV again. The choreography isn't overpowering the song, but complimenting it and making the video better. Also, having Nelly Furtado gyrate with her ass as I mentioned previously certainly helps manners.
January 22, 2007
A litany of things I should have realized by now
I'm never going to have a girlfriend.
I'll probably lose my virginity to cheap hooker in Newark.
I'll probably start abusing something soon. Drugs, alcohol, ketchup, something.
I'm obsessive and insanely jealous for no reason, with no justification. There really isn't any rational reason for why I should behave this way.
I'm still 13 years old emotionally and in terms of maturity.
I dislike cooking because of the cleanup.
I'll probably spend most of my leisure time watching porn and jerking off.
I'll never have a very sophisticated wardrobe and will probably end up wearing the same suit for 3 years, every day.
I'll probably find some way to humiliate myself when trying to impress others. I.E., crashing a car because I'm trying to show a friend how fast said car goes.
I won't have any friends in 5 years because I find new ways to piss people off on a rather regular basis.
I'll probably lose my virginity to cheap hooker in Newark.
I'll probably start abusing something soon. Drugs, alcohol, ketchup, something.
I'm obsessive and insanely jealous for no reason, with no justification. There really isn't any rational reason for why I should behave this way.
I'm still 13 years old emotionally and in terms of maturity.
I dislike cooking because of the cleanup.
I'll probably spend most of my leisure time watching porn and jerking off.
I'll never have a very sophisticated wardrobe and will probably end up wearing the same suit for 3 years, every day.
I'll probably find some way to humiliate myself when trying to impress others. I.E., crashing a car because I'm trying to show a friend how fast said car goes.
I won't have any friends in 5 years because I find new ways to piss people off on a rather regular basis.
January 4, 2007
Spinning the records
I make no apologies for my taste in music. Quite frankly, it would be pointless to do so. My primary tastes are alternative, but I am by no means restricted to simply this form of music. I thoroughly enjoy hip hop, gangsta rap, folk rock, heavy metal, power pop, electronica, trip hop, old style rock and roll, R&B, jazz, punk, and the list goes on. I find no problem in transitioning from the porn grooves of Al Green into the melodramatic warblings of Death for Cutie, seamlessly leading to the devastating riffs of Iron Maiden. It's simply natural to me.
And of course, probably pretty fucked up for everyone else. But what can I say? It's not something I can control. I simply appreciate many, many different forms of the same art.
And of course, probably pretty fucked up for everyone else. But what can I say? It's not something I can control. I simply appreciate many, many different forms of the same art.
No exit
Systematically, one by one, each person I called "friend" in my life has stopped talking to me over the last few weeks. The trend began about a four months ago, and at this point I have a cell phone that never rings, a computer with AIM that never gets an instant message, a blog with no feedback, and generally a vapid and lonely existence. If it weren't for my own personal eccentricities, I quite honestly believe I would have absolutely fucking lost it by now. Thankfully, my peculiar and quirky nature have allowed me to remain (mostly) self reliant upon my own entertainment capacities.
It's really quite interesting what you can do when the only thing you have to entertain yourself is your own mind. In my head, for instance, I've been lost in thought for hours upon hours. The thoughts range from sports, social interaction, psychological quirks, music, political debate, and attempts to write movie scripts. All of this spans the whole range of whatever crazy, nonsensical cognitions which populate my head.
Quite honestly, I don't really know I'm still sane at this point. I'm still waiting to snap and start ripping open people's chests and eating their hearts. Of course, by admitting this, I'm sure now I really do seem crazy, and now even more people will avoid me. It's a damn endless cycle, I tell you. The snake eating it's own tail. It's funny, I bitch about wanting to be surrounded by other people, yet when I finally gain what I demand and prostrate for, I immediately wish I was alone and confined to solidarity. Yet, faced with my requested solitude, I yearn and dream of the day when I will one be comforted by my multitude of loving and adoring peers.
I suppose Hell really is people.
It's really quite interesting what you can do when the only thing you have to entertain yourself is your own mind. In my head, for instance, I've been lost in thought for hours upon hours. The thoughts range from sports, social interaction, psychological quirks, music, political debate, and attempts to write movie scripts. All of this spans the whole range of whatever crazy, nonsensical cognitions which populate my head.
Quite honestly, I don't really know I'm still sane at this point. I'm still waiting to snap and start ripping open people's chests and eating their hearts. Of course, by admitting this, I'm sure now I really do seem crazy, and now even more people will avoid me. It's a damn endless cycle, I tell you. The snake eating it's own tail. It's funny, I bitch about wanting to be surrounded by other people, yet when I finally gain what I demand and prostrate for, I immediately wish I was alone and confined to solidarity. Yet, faced with my requested solitude, I yearn and dream of the day when I will one be comforted by my multitude of loving and adoring peers.
I suppose Hell really is people.
January 2, 2007
A story spun over and over again
Am I really that much of an asshole? Is my personality so grating, are my habits so irksome, am I just such an irritating person that, infallibly, everyone whose path I cross becomes sick of me? I really don't know. I don't try to act annoying. I genuinely just try to do my best to make people laugh, to keep the good mood flowing and not try to cause any trouble. I guess that's a lie, since it appears that all I really ever do IS cause trouble. All I ever seem to do is piss people off with something I say or do.
And then here we go, I become self conscious about my actions, what I say, I spiral into a depression and melancholy. It's all such a terrificly vicious cycle, and in all of my 21 years, I've yet to solve this puzzle. Fantastic.
And then here we go, I become self conscious about my actions, what I say, I spiral into a depression and melancholy. It's all such a terrificly vicious cycle, and in all of my 21 years, I've yet to solve this puzzle. Fantastic.
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