A litany of things I should have realized by now

I'm never going to have a girlfriend.
I'll probably lose my virginity to cheap hooker in Newark.
I'll probably start abusing something soon. Drugs, alcohol, ketchup, something.
I'm obsessive and insanely jealous for no reason, with no justification. There really isn't any rational reason for why I should behave this way.
I'm still 13 years old emotionally and in terms of maturity.
I dislike cooking because of the cleanup.
I'll probably spend most of my leisure time watching porn and jerking off.
I'll never have a very sophisticated wardrobe and will probably end up wearing the same suit for 3 years, every day.
I'll probably find some way to humiliate myself when trying to impress others. I.E., crashing a car because I'm trying to show a friend how fast said car goes.
I won't have any friends in 5 years because I find new ways to piss people off on a rather regular basis.