Things I need help with

I need someone to explain to me, first of all, how to meet women. And not just meet women, but meet them and not have them be either repelled by me or think of me on platonic terms. And I'm dead serious about this. When it comes to flirting and interpersonal relationships, I think I'm about as successful as a 13 year old with a stuttering problem. To date, I haven't had a girlfriend, and at my current pace, we're looking at me getting a girl to come to bed with me at age 58. Not a very good pace, so someone, please, help me the fuck out.

Secondly, I would appreciate help in figuring out where to learn about new music. Everyone always seems to find out about new bands about 8 months quicker than I do. I need to learn sources and shit. It would be extremely helpful, and keep me from feeling retarded.

Finally, I would like someone to donate money to me so that I could finally go to H&M/Urban/Abercrombie and buy the clothes I like, which would finally let me dress they I've always wanted. I want to be sexy back that my first request can fulfilled. Jack asses.