Backlash

I think I've sunk into my deepest melancholy since last summer. It's not quite a depression yet, but it's certainly lingering on the outside walks of that. Nothing has lifted my spirits or really cheered my up lately. Being with my friends leaves me feeling lonelier than I did the night before. When I speak to people, I can see their eyes drifting, their focus and attention falling upon other things until the sound of my voice ends. I'm more aware than ever before about how boring and mindless I sound. I realize I'm terrible and making conversation, and even worse at functioning as a human being. I spent today hiding inside my house, gnawing on my sanity and contemplating if the world would really be so awful if I was to disappear. Morbid thoughts have started coming back into my mind. It's gotten more difficult lately to wake up in the morning. The air is warmer, but it's saturated with water moisture and feels like it's more difficult to breathe. My breath runs quick and more shallow. The sun shines brighter and longer. Spring has come, but as the flowers bloom, my hopes die.

A bit of inner reflection that accomplishes nothing

Self discovery is a complicated, shape shifting beast. Without it, we are little more than lost souls drifting from one day to the next without ever truly being aware of what lies within us, what enormous, spectacular truths we actively suppress each moment of each day. Yet, once we are faced with we realize truly how portentous it is, how much of our ugly natures we justifiably hold in check because the absence of truth isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes, there's nothing wrong with not knowing the truth. The lies we tell ourselves exist for a reason. It is not for lack of trying that the truth is buried away. We can't handle what reality actually has in store for us. And yet, the unexamined life is not worth living. What is there accomplish if we can't even conquer ourselves? How can mankind discover the ultimate secrets of the universe if we are unable to unearth the ultimate truths of human existence? Man is capable of so much, so much, but nothing has been accomplished because of fear. When fear is overcome, perhaps then the start to self discovery can truly begin.